Stopping Taking it Personally

It’s been some time since my last post, but as I often find myself saying, “life happens despite our plans.” This phrase, though not originally mine, has always resonated with me and is particularly relevant to this blog.

Learning from Rita

If you’re among the fortunate ones, you may have met Rita. Even if you haven’t had the pleasure, perhaps you’ve seen her in photos or heard me praise my loyal companion—she even had an entire blog post dedicated to her recently. Rita is a true gift: grace embodied in four legs and a wagging tail.

However, she is also a dog with pronounced terrier instincts. Whenever we’re out walking and a cat appears nearby, she becomes wildly excited, darting towards the cat and dragging me—along with my arm and troublesome back—behind her with surprising strength.

The Tendency to Take Things Personally

My immediate reaction is usually anger. What Rita does hurts me and unsettles my peace. I become cross with her, believing that she’s doing this to me, and that it shouldn’t be allowed. But, upon reflection, is this really fair?

Rita is simply a dog, behaving as terriers do when they spot a cat. She loves me, but her actions are driven by instinct, not malice. Her behaviour has absolutely nothing to do with me.

Yet, in my mind, I’m the central character in this unfolding scene, convinced that everything is about me. This is a trap we all fall into: believing that everything is personal.

The Impersonal Nature of Life

One of the most significant—and repeatedly painful—lessons I’ve learned is that nothing in life is actually personal. Life unfolds regardless of our opinions or expectations. It is, in truth, completely impersonal.

Difficulties in Human Relationships

This lesson becomes especially challenging in our interactions with others. We may think, “They shouldn’t have said that to me,” or “They should have been more considerate.” Even minor grievances—like waiting for a WhatsApp reply—can feel personal. After all, I always respond promptly, so why shouldn’t they?

But the reality is that other people’s actions have nothing to do with us. They act the way they do because of who they are, not because of who we are.

That said, this is not a call to tolerate abusive behaviour. We are entitled—indeed, obliged—to protect ourselves where necessary. At the same time, we can acknowledge that others act as they do because of their own nature, not in reaction to us.

This understanding allows us to take appropriate action if needed, while still holding compassion in our hearts for others.

Everyday Examples of Taking Things Personally

Humans have a remarkable capacity for taking all sorts of things personally: the weather, slow service in a restaurant, indecipherable IT instructions, fireworks set off weeks before and after bonfire night—these are just a few of my own examples. No doubt you can think of many yourself.

But, in truth, none of these things are personal. Not one.

Finding Peace in Letting Go

By seeing this clearly, and noticing the difference in how much I suffer when I take things personally versus when I do not, life becomes not only more tolerable, but also filled with greater ease, love, compassion, and understanding.

Of course, I still fall prey to my own instinctive reactions now and then, but more often I simply shrug, grip Rita’s lead tightly, and once she realises the cat is out of reach, we resume our walk in peace.

Ten ways to suffer less - part 5